Day 28: The Long Road Ahead

 

This picture will continue to be the header of my blog until I'm able to establish some better habits. I originally wrote "good habits" but I'm trying to stay away from negativity - so things are not "bad" vs "good". How about good vs better for positivity ! I think this daily reminder is helping as I've been able to start getting things done!

I've wiped the slate clean. Every day I keep trying to recap the prior days because I haven't had the energy or motivation to write lately. I'm letting all that go and just focusing on today. Abby is declining and today she pretty much refused to eat, no matter what I offered. Her little body is tired and without food she will not last long. All I can do is love her and comfort her. She is still drinking but when that stops I will know the end is near. I'm sad but at least she will no longer be suffering. I just don't have the heart to have her euthanized, and maybe that is selfish of me. I will have to live with that. I've said that I will always have cats but I'm not sure how I will feel when Minnie is gone. She is the picture of health and I hope to have many more years with her. Abby has been declining for 3 years so I feel lucky to still have her with me. It helps that I've been working from home and have been able to feed her frequently throughout the day. I know that is what kept her going. Being back in the caregiver role has been exhausting and although I'll be glad to see it end, I won't be glad to be without Abby. I would happily continue in this role to keep her with me. Caregivers feel relief when that period in their life comes to an end, but they also feel tremendous guilt about those feelings. It was a relief when Alex was gone, even though I never wished that on him. I'm still sad that his worst fear, dying alone, came to pass. I  never wished that on him either. It was a relief when my dad's suffering ended in 2012 because he had Alzheimer's and didn't want to end up helpless and alone in a nursing home, like his father. The cancer that took him was causing suffering and was too extensive to even think about a cure. I still miss him. It was also a relief when my mom passed in 2022. She was never a strong woman and she was not going to recover from the stroke. She was afraid to die but I think she was also afraid to live in her broken body. I miss her every day. I've had a lot of loss in my life and it never gets easy. I've said goodbye to 5 dogs and 5 cats over the past 15 years and I'm going to be saying goodbye to Abby soon. It'll be me and Minnie against the world. My wish for Abby is that her passing comes peacefully while she is asleep. Who knows .. she might surprise me and want to eat tomorrow.

My appetite hasn't decreased, that is for sure. I had waffles for breakfast then Pop Tarts and later a yogurt. I had my usual pepperoni pizza melt & salad for lunch. Dinner was the last of the fajitas. They were so good! Evening snack was a chocolate cupcake with whipped cream.

Work has been busy this week and I've ended up on calls that go right to my lunch time. I haven't been in the right frame of mind to get on the treadmill anyway. My last workout was February 16. I will get back on track when the time is right.

I'm at a point where my mental state is hour to hour. I must have offered Abby food 20 times today and she ate nothing more than a couple licks of baby food. All she wants is water but I'm going to continue offering food. I have to feed Minnie and the strays anyways. I am already feeling guilty because when Abby is gone a lot of the responsibility I've had over the past couple of years will be gone. I've been feeding her an average of 6-7 times a day. Minnie eats a lot of dry food and lately she hasn't been very interested in the canned food either. Something else to feel guilty about .. spending less money on food and litter. I have 3 litter boxes now and when Abby is gone I plan to reduce that to one. 

The only bright spot this week was my annual appraisal and salary discussion. My bonus is $9797 and I will get that on 3-8. After taxes and 401k deductions I'll be lucky to see $5k, but I'll take it! My raise is 3.5% and my new annual salary is $92,959. Not bad for someone with no college degree! I've been thinking about a casino trip to have a little fun. We'll see! I haven't been anywhere other than the grocery store since Barb's birthday party on January 13th. 

So that's where I am today. I'm already mourning Abby even though she is still with me. She's 15 but cats can easily live into their 20's so I still feel like she is too young to die. As I type this she is snoozing at the other end of the couch. She looks so peaceful. It's the first time today she has settled. Is that a good sign or a bad sign? Time will tell. The other day I asked God to take her and end her suffering, if it was her time. I'd like to think He cares about all creatures. I know Lucky will be waiting for her over the Rainbow Bridge. He was her brother and he passed in 2018 (or 2019) with no warning. He was fine one day and gone the next. My Princess is the only animal that truly died of old age. I am fully convinced that all the vaccines they force on animals cause the majority of cancers. I suspect it causes a lot of cancer in humans as well, but they'll never admit it.