Day 29: Leap Day !

 

This picture will continue to be the header of my blog until I'm able to establish some better habits. I originally wrote "good habits" but I'm trying to stay away from negativity - so things are not "bad" vs "good". How about good vs better for positivity ! I think this daily reminder is helping as I've been able to start getting things done!

Ironic that today is "leap day" or February 29 and it's also Day 29 of my latest effort to get back on track with diet and exercise. Is that a sign? If it is, I hope it's a positive one!

Abby was still with us when I came downstairs this morning, just after 6:30 am. It was a frosty 20 degrees but we received nothing more than a dusting of snow. The heavy winds last night basically blew what little we had away. There was a lake effect snow warning in effect until 7 pm today but it was forecast to be the worst south of me. By noon it was 30 degrees and no sign of snow. Looking at the radar, the big snow is well south of me. Rather ironic that I live in the "snow belt", but the people south of me are getting hammered! This happened a lot last winter too. In the end I got no snow and I'm good with that! Warmer temps and no chance of snow returns tomorrow!

Abby is continuing to refuse food but she is still drinking. Last night after I went to bed she came upstairs several times and laid down on my bed. She only stayed for a minute or two each time. She couldn't settle and I think it was because she needed to be near her water. I would have loved to lay there with her all night. I've tried to hold her and cuddle her but she has never been that kind of cat. At this point I'm not going to push food on her. I offered baby food several times this morning and canned food an lunch time but she moved right away from it. I haven't offered food since and she's given no indication she wants any. I have 9 jars of baby food left and I will likely return that to Walmart, since it was $1.38 a jar and I have no other use for it. That is another thing to feel guilty about, no more anxiety about finding the beef baby food in stock and saving about $40 a month. I will continue to keep her water fresh and just be here for her. Beyond that, there is little I can do. She doesn't seem to be in pain, so I am grateful for that. It seems to bother her when I disturb her to pet or kiss her, so I'm trying to leave her be. It's so hard. I just want to gather her in my arms and hold her.

I'm not going to document food for a little bit. Does it really matter what I eat right now? I've decided to be gentle with myself. Every day I resolve to get on the treadmill and every day I disappoint myself and sink deeper and deeper into despair. Why do I torture myself this way? Will it be better once Abby is gone? Probably not right away. The sudden end of the caregiver role is not as easy as you would think. That is when the guilt sets in, along with the "what ifs". I'm not using her current situation as an "excuse". The fact is I'm emotionally spent and doing the best I can right now. I started taking vitamin D a couple days ago and today I've started taking the rest of my vitamins. I'm trying to address the physical needs of my body since the emotional needs are in overdrive. I'm reading the text of the photo at the top of this blog and just doing what I can.

I really thought 2024 was going to be a better year but it's not going very well. The unrest with my job, my failure to get my weight & fitness under control and the impending loss of Abby are just beating me down .. and there are still 10 more months in this year!

Wow, during lunch today I went outside to right the orange cone that I have at the end of my driveway. The wind must have blown it over last night. I put it there to keep people from constantly turning around in my driveway. Since I was out there I decided to check the dryer vent to see if there was any lint. To my shock it was pretty much plugged! I pulled out what I could and then turned on the dryer to blow out anything that was left in the pipe. I have never seen the vent that clogged and it was just a fire waiting to happen! Snow piles up against the vent and likely kept it closed for a while, allowing the lint to build up. I'll have to be more careful next winter (and check it more often!) to ensure it doesn't get blocked again. I tried to sit with Abby during my lunch hour, but she moves away from me. She doesn't want to be cuddled or bothered. All I can do is tell her I love her and kiss the top of her head now and then.

I also spent some time getting rid of junk during my lunch hour. I have a bad habit of keeping receipts I don't need. I tossed all my receipts from my Disney trip, along with a pile of Wegman's and Walmart receipts I don't need. Moving around doing things keeps my mind occupied and will help the joint aches I've been dealing with. I know my recent hip and knee pain is largely due to non-activity. I don't feel so achy today, so that is a good thing! I managed to get all my vitamins in before lunch rolled around! All that is left is the vitamin D, which I take at bedtime, and a calcium chew.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. I don't know how long Abby can last without food and I want to be able to be there if she wants comfort. Right now she seems more content if I just leave her alone. Work isn't very busy right now so I was able to check on her frequently today. She is spending most of her time with her jaw perched on the rim of the coffee mug full of water that I have on the end table next to the couch. She took an interest in cups filled with ice while I was sick in December, so I started putting a mug of ice water on the table for her. Even though I still have Minnie it's going to be lonely without Abby. I've spent the last 3 years nursing her along and at times it was very frustrating. I yelled at her so many times out of frustration and I really, really regret that. Don't you always end up regretting the bad things and not giving yourself credit for all the good? I think she's had a good life but I wish she could have a few more years. She and Minnie have never been close but I'm wondering how Minnie will react when she realizes Abby is gone. Minnie and I have a ritual when I go to bed. Once I am settled Minnie comes to make some biscuits and lies next to me for a while so I can pet her. She isn't a lap cat and I can't hold her, but she allows me to pet her .. lol! I don't think that will change but she may end up spending more time downstairs. The more I think about losing Abby, the more I realize how much time and effort her care has involved. I've never resented it. Just as I did with Alex, I just did what I had to do. I wasn't perfect and sometimes I was mean, but I never gave up on Alex and I haven't given up on Abby.