Day 30: A Sad Day

 

This photo is time stamped 01-17-22 in my camera roll. Abby loved to lie under the Christmas tree and I think she wanted me to see that she was truly a gift. I see it now sweetheart.

Shortly after 7 am today Abby slipped away peacefully in my arms. I thought she was already gone when I came downstairs around 6:30, as she was stretched out on the floor by the corner chair. I picked her up and her little heart was still beating, but her breathing was shallow and she was not responsive. I think she was in a coma. I wrapped her loosely in a blanket and sat on the couch with her. I talked to her and gently stroked her fur, so that she would know I was there. I'm glad she was not alone and I do hope she knew I was there. I am numb yet again. Death does not bring tears for me, I don't know why. Maybe I'm just relieved that her suffering is gone and who are the tears for anyway? For whatever reason, I can't get that release of emotion.

Once I was sure she had truly gone I forced myself off the couch to feed the stray cats and Minnie. The strays came running as always, but Minnie turned her nose up at the canned food. She did eventually eat some. I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to take the day off from work, but in the end I opted to work. What else was I going to do with myself all day? Sit around and have a pity party for myself? Work was not busy so I took a 2 hour training course to pass the morning. I'm a little worried that I had absolutely nothing to do. I took a break here and there to strip the coverings off the couch so I could wash everything. With just Minnie I no longer need to cover every inch of the couch. I did put a sheet across the cushions just in case she decides to start using that space and to protect it from anything I might spill. 

At lunch time I vacuumed the carpet in the living room, dining room and hallway. I also sprayed some air freshener to remove any smells that might provoke sad memories. Once that was done I sat on the couch to write and try to enjoy the rest of my lunch hour. Minnie came to sit with me. Does she realize Abby is gone? I'm not sure. They were never close but I'm sure Minnie knew she was not well. Any time Minnie would come sit on the couch with me Abby would hop right up and come over. She was jealous and didn't want to share me. Minnie would leave as soon as she saw Abby take notice of her presence. Minnie doesn't have to worry about that now, she has me all to herself. She's not really a lap cat either but she has always sought out my attention, more so than Abby.

I had 4 or 5 cups of coffee today and all that caffeine was a bit much. At this moment (12:30) I have a bit of a headache and some of that is likely just related to the stress of the day. I took 2 Excedrin for it. It's only been 5 hours since I said goodbye to Abby. It seems like she has been gone forever. No more baby food at 9 am. No more canned food every couple of hours. No more early morning visits to let me know it was time for breakfast. I told Abby a long time ago that I would not miss the food demands and her messy eating habits. I told her I would miss her sweet nature and that I wanted her to live as long as she should. I never wished for her to be gone. I would have continued to feed her 6 times a day as long as she wanted. Am I relieved to be freed from this? Truthfully, yes I am. Did I wish for this day? No. Absolutely not. I never wished for this, just as I never wished for Alex to be gone. I feel like I've had more than my share of loss, but that is selfish. I'm sure many people have lost so much more than I, perhaps under more devastating circumstances.

I decided to work from the couch this afternoon, since I had nothing to do. I remember the panic I felt when my employer announced everyone had to return to the office 5 days a week. At first they expected us to be back to that grind by mid-February and I didn't know how Abby was going to survive my being gone every day. I've been nursing her along for so long, hand feeding her every couple of hours. She managed when I went to Rochester once a month, but that was only one day. How could she get through 5 days a week with me being gone for 10 hours? Fortunately for me, the office location here is not suitable for occupancy (and who knows if and when it will be) so I was able to continue nursing her along. 

I feel pretty lost right now. It's like I no longer have a purpose in life. Keeping Abby fed has been my crusade for so long and the sudden stop is jarring. What now? Minnie is peacefully snoozing in her usual perch and she's happy with a little canned food in the morning and a little at dinner time. Beyond that she is content with dry food and the treats I give her at bedtime. I don't need 3 litter boxes anymore so tomorrow I will remove one. If I see that Minnie is using the same one every day I will get rid of another one. I always looked at litter box cleaning as such a huge chore, but in reality it was not. It became a chore because I chose not to scoop them out every day. That minute or two each day is no trouble, even with 3 of them. Many of the "overwhelming" tasks in my life are created by my laziness. 

My goal for this weekend is .. to not have a goal. I said yesterday I was going to be kind to myself and I intend to do that. I will do what feels right or doable. The aspirin I took earlier today chased my headache away, so I felt better. However, as 4 pm approached I felt such a heaviness. The reality of Abby's passing was setting in. No longer would she be racing me to the couch to eat. Every time she heard a can pop she'd be right there underfoot, so happy it was time to eat again. Every time she heard the squirt of the whipped cream can she'd be right there too, to get her share of it. In the past few weeks she decided she liked chicken, so I was sharing that with her too. I bought a rotisserie chicken last weekend just so that I would have that for her. She didn't even get to eat much of it. I think she had a good life with me, although it wasn't perfect. She went through the trauma of the fire and I wasn't always the most patient pet mom, but I did the best I could. If there is an afterlife I'm sure Lucky was waiting for her on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge. He was her brother and she loved to cuddle with him. I'm sure Tigger and Pooh were waiting for her too. Hailey and Atlas and Keno all liked the cats too, so I'm sure they were there to welcome her too. Taylor wasn't really a cat fan and Blackjack never knew her, so they probably weren't there. I like to think she's snuggled up in the sun with Lucky, her body healed and her mind at ease. I already miss her little chirps to get my attention.

They say time heals all wounds but that doesn't mean you forget. I still grieve the loss of every one of my pets. Sparkles. Princess. Pooh. Tigger. Lucky. Abby. Blackjack. Keno. Hailey. Taylor. Atlas. Even my childhood dog, Heidi. She's been gone for over 20 years but I still remember the day she passed on the floor of my mom's living room, while my mom and I comforted her. Sparkles was with Alex when she died. Princess, Tigger and Abby died in my arms. Pooh and Lucky died suddenly in the night. Blackjack escaped from the yard and was hit by a car. Taylor had to be euthanized as she became ill. Keno died suddenly in the night. Hailey had to be euthanized when the large tumor on her leg ruptured. Atlas had to be euthanized when his back end became paralyzed and he stopped eating. I also had a stray cat euthanized a few years back. We found him in the garage and he was very sick. I had a rabbit in the early 80's. He died in my arms as well. His name was Rosco! So I've had my share of loss when it comes to animals. I'm not sure I want to get any new ones so I will continue to take the best care I can of Minnie and my menagerie of strays. I'm not sure Minnie would embrace having another cat around, so it's just going to be me and her against the world!

I may take a trip to the casino tomorrow, provided the weather is nice. I would really like to get out of the house. We'll see if I can motivate myself. Hair, makeup, jewelry .. that's a big ask right now but it might make me feel better, even if it's only for a few hours.

Weather was warmer and mostly sunny today. It was only 23 when I got up this morning but by 5 pm it was 46. Rain is in the forecast and temps for the week ahead are going to be mostly 50's and 60's during the day and and 30's and 40's during the night. I'm looking forward to Spring and Summer. I hope my work from home continues and I get to spend my work days on the front porch.

The past week has been difficult and I'm mentally and physically exhausted, so I'm going to head to bed.

I had no work to do today, which concerns me greatly, so the day just dragged on. I should have done another training class this afternoon, but I wasn't feeling very motivated. Hopefully things will pick up soon! 

So here I am at 5:07 pm. It's no longer necessary to run to the kitchen to prepare dinner for Abby. Minnie is snoozing peacefully in her usual spot on the back of the corner chair. I have the whole evening and weekend in front of me. I'm going to take a shower before it gets much later. That always makes me feel better. Then I'll make myself some dinner.

It's 8:33 pm now and I've had a shower, done skin care, had dinner and had my evening snack. I'm enjoying some YouTube video's before I go to bed. I gave Minnie some canned food and she came and sat with me for a few minutes after I had my dinner. I think she is confused by Abby's absence. I'm thinking of getting rid of the cat tree I have and buying a new one for Minnie. That will require a visit to Petsmart or Petco this weekend. I'd also like to get a new fountain. I will check Walmart and see if they still sell the model I currently have. Mine works fine but it's got a lot of hard water buildup and I'd like Minnie to have some new things.

6 pm went by with no Abby meowing to eat. 8 pm went by in silence too. 10 pm will come and go quietly. I'd give anything to have my Abby back.