Day 37: Keep Trying

 

This picture will continue to be the header of my blog until I'm able to establish some better habits. I originally wrote "good habits" but I'm trying to stay away from negativity - so things are not "bad" vs "good". How about good vs better for positivity ! I think this daily reminder is helping as I've been able to start getting things done!

Today is Day 37 and I haven't been doing well. Today I was determined to have a better day. I was up early but didn't get anything accomplished other than feeding the cats and getting dressed before 8 am rolled around. Right now any little bump in the road sends me into a tailspin. Last night I got some chicken stuck in my esophagus and thought I was going to throw up. I could breathe fine but it didn't want to complete it's journey to my stomach. I got up and walked around and it finally moved but it scared me. This has happened 2 other times but this is the first time I was alone when it happened. I soothed myself with a pint of Ben & Jerry's, some chocolate chasers and a couple of Pop Tarts at bedtime. I didn't write much yesterday as I wasn't in the mood.

I am still grieving Abby. I am still grieving my mother. That is the bottom line. Food is back to being my comfort and I have to break this cycle. I just don't know how to do it. I didn't even shower last night. I am just so desperately alone. I am also consumed with guilt. Did I do the right things for Abby? Would she have lived longer if I took her to the vet? I'll never know. Did I abandon my mother when she needed me the most? Should I have fought harder to keep her alive? We all agreed my mom was not a strong woman and we could see that she did not have the fight required to recover from a stroke. Still, did we do enough? We'll never know. The last time I saw her alive I told her I loved her. Her response was "no you don't". I don't think she really believed that. I think she was depressed about her situation and I can't blame her. Still, those words hurt. I'm glad she is no longer suffering and I really and truly hope there is a Heaven and that my dad was there waiting to greet her.

I didn't have my shoes on when noon rolled around so I didn't get on the treadmill. 

Breakfast was a 180 calorie cinnamon roll. I never got around to my yogurt but I had a bowl of pretzels late morning. Lunch was a 230 calorie burrito and a chef salad.

Work has been busy the last couple days as I'm helping Chuck out with referrals. It's wonderful as the days are flying by. Today I received my bonus in my paycheck. As expected, I got a little over $5k extra in my paycheck. I had a lot of money sitting in checking (over $11k!) so I moved $8k to my savings. I have almost $49k in savings now. This is more money than I've ever had. This factors into the guilt I feel. My inheritance from my mom paid for my siding and is a good part of what I have in savings. If she were still alive things would be much different. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her sacrifices. We had our differences in life but in the end I hope she knew I never stopped loving her.

Today was warm and sunny but the day started off with frost on the ground. It's supposed to be cooler in the days ahead but nothing drastic. I may go ahead and rearrange the living room this weekend so I can stop avoiding the Total Gym. We'll see! I really want to wash the car but the weekend weather hasn't been cooperating! Tomorrow I need to go to post office and grocery store.