Depression and Anger

 

I've been up and down but I'm not giving up. I might have been close to rock bottom but I held on tight and started the climb out. I can't look back and I can't change the past, but I have full control of the future when it comes to my weight. My job, not so much!

05-12-24

Last night I fell asleep on the couch and forced myself to go upstairs around 12:15 am. I was able to go to sleep relatively quickly but I was awake at 6:30. I didn't bother trying to sleep longer so that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I have 10 work days left, not that I expect to do much work. I won't be taking anything new and my only focus is going to be doing the things required as I exit the payroll.

Today I spent the day on the couch watching YouTube videos and scrolling my phone. I'm really kind of angry about being laid off. It's just a shitty way to treat someone who has dedicated 39 years of their life to the job. Hopefully it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise for me. I feel the worst for my colleague who has a disabled husband. The loss of medical benefits will be huge but I'm sure she will have no trouble finding a job. She is younger than me and has a college degree. Another colleague has lots of contacts and a Masters degree, so I don't think he'll have any trouble either. The last of us 4 is the youngest and she has lots of contacts and a great personality, so I'm sure she'll have no trouble getting a job. I have zero personality, no degree and I'm going to be 62 in August. I have plenty of experience so I just need to find someone who recognizes the value.

I'm so depressed right now and feeling very overwhelmed. I have to figure out how to handle my 401k and my pension funds. I won't need to spend any of that for some time, but I need to make sure they are secure and continue to grow. I'll be eligible for unemployment at the end of my severance period, so there is that too. So having enough money is not the issue .. it's just all the tasks associated with leaving the company.

I'm so mad at myself for not addressing my dental needs. There is no way I can get it done in 3 weeks, so I am screwed unless I find a new job with dental benefits. I was able to make an appointment for Tuesday, so I will address what I can before 5-31.

05-13-24

I woke up at 4 am today but was able to go back to sleep until just after 6. I went ahead and got up maybe around 6:30. I made a cup of coffee and fed Minnie. She snooze on my lap until I had to get up. Shortly after 7 I fed the stray cats, warmed up my coffee and made a couple of Pop Tarts for breakfast. Then I logged in to work. My plan for the next 2 weeks is to work on the items required for my leaving the payroll. I will close out any work items that complete, but I am putting zero effort into anything else. They can pay me to do next to nothing for the next 2 weeks. Sadly, a ton of work is going to fall onto the shoulders of my boss - who had no say in our fate. They'll work her like a dog until they're ready to dump her too. The plan is anyone that is not located with the people they support must go .. and she is not located with the center. You never know though, sometimes people at higher levels of management are "saved". 

As usual I logged in to to work on time, scanned my email and tried to access the portal for surplus employees. For some reason we weren't able to access it. Wouldn't it be nice if they changed their mind? Even if they did, I know it would only be because they need time to train others to do our work and then we'd be axed again. Turns out nothing has changed, they were just having trouble with the portal.

I spent most of the morning deleting emails and files. I'm sure anything I delete can be recovered, if needed, but it feels good to delete all that history. I'm only deleting my own personal stuff, though it is tempting to delete anything and everything I can access. Even though it would help my boss, I'm not doing any work. If she needs help she'll have to push it back to the remaining 2 idiots on the team, the center or (like an idiot) work 16 hours a day and do it herself. She knows it's only a matter of time before they dump her too, so she is stupid if she keeps working like a dog. All I plan on doing is closing out any claims that I've already done the work. I spent the afternoon emailing a bunch of photos I had on my work computer. I probably have then stashed someone on my home computer, but I wanted to just move them and then go through them at my leisure.  Since we're not allowed to use usb drives I had to email them a few at a time. 

I went ahead and applied for a new job today. The posting doesn't have the salary but I have to start somewhere. 

Tomorrow's dentist appointment was cancelled as their online scheduling allowed me to schedule it during their lunch hour. I need to reschedule that. 

We do get free outplacement services to help with resumes and interview tactics, so I'm going to take advantage of that.

05-14-24

It's 10 am and I'm done working for the day. I closed out a few claims and deleted more email and files. That's about all the effort I'm willing to put in today. If I do anything else today it will only be reviewing my surplus materials to try and make sense of it all.

I was awake at 4 am and got up around 4:30, since it was clear I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I think once this process is done and I am "off payroll", things will get easier. I will give myself some time to recover emotionally and also get back to working on my weight loss, fitness and self care. That will mean a shower every morning. Getting dressed every morning. Exercising every day. Simple things that have become such an effort over the last year or so. Having the threat of job loss hanging over my head for so long has taken a big toll on me. Right now today I fucking hate AT&T. I gave so much and this is the thanks I get. 

Finding a new job will also be a priority, even though I know I can pay my bills for quite some time with the money I have in the bank, the severance pay I receive, my 401k and my pension. My only real concern is the lack of medical benefits for the next 3 years. In reality, I haven't really used my health benefits for several years, but it would only take one catastrophic illness or accident to bankrupt me. I went to urgent care in December 2023, then in March 2024 when I broke my hand. Before that, the last time I filed a medical claim was 2018 when I had the flu. So, can I roll the dice and get through 3 years without insurance? I don't think that's a wise choice.

Most of the debris from the demolished buildings across the street is gone and today they cut down the gigantic pine tree that was behind the building. About 1:35 my whole house shook because they dropped it's massive trunk to the ground. I'm glad to see it go because if a storm brought it down it would have landed on my house. Considering they took the tree down, I have to believe there are plans to develop the site. I'll have to keep an eye on property sales and tax records to see who owns it.

05-15-24

Only 7 more working days after today and I'll be officially "retired". It gets harder every day. I was able to sleep better last night, as it was after 6 am when I woke up. I got up shortly after 6:30 and got the cats all fed.

The excavator operator had a late night yesterday - it was after 9 pm before he stopped! Looks like all that is left is spreading dirt on the site, so I wouldn't be surprised if he departs today. The work trailer is gone, along with all the fencing around the site.

My only regret leaving AT&T is the added stress this puts on my boss, who is a wonderful person and had no say in the decision to let me go. She relied heavily on the 4 of us who were laid off, because the 2 remaining are incompetent. She also knows that she may be laid off next, as she isn't located in a target area. I imagine they will keep her long enough to transition all her work. Sadly, she is dedicated enough to work her fingers to the bone while knowing it may all be for nothing.

Me, I've stopped caring. I'm not replying to emails and I'm not doing any new work. I've deleted a ton of emails and files, and will delete more as my final day draws closer. I've spent a lot of time on LinkedIn and I don't have a good feeling about finding a new job that pays anything near what I make now. I'm going to have to settle for less and that's ok, because I will have income from my pension and 401k - plus I have my severance pay. I really just need medical insurance until I get to age 65 when I am eligible for Medicare. I can also collect my Social Security, if needed. I think I can survive 3 years.

i have $52k in my savings and my severance is 50% of my annual wages. I will have enough cash on hand to survive for a good 2 years even without a job. I'd say my biggest expense will be paying for healthcare, if I can't find a job.

At 11 am I attended a 2 hour Q&A session for surplus employees, mostly just to see who else has been axed. I can't help feeling jealous of people who haven't been let go. I also can't help feeling my age and the color of my skin was counted against me. The "woke" agenda is all about DEI so your skills don't really matter. The good news is I will have medical coverage at the current rate until 11-30-24. After that I have to switch to retiree coverage or buy from the marketplace, if I haven't found a job. Needless to say, I'll be making some appointments and spending as much of their money as I can before then. I also have to option to continue my dental coverage at my own expense. I may do that unless the cost is ridiculous. I know I need a lot of work and it's going to be expensive. 

05-16-24

I slept a bit better last night. I did wake up around 4:30 am but dozed on and off until about 6:30. 

"Going to work" gets harder every day. The days are long as I have nothing to do and my boss is sensitive enough not to ask us to do anything. My motivation level is about -1000%.

I did come across a job that would be perfect for me and my skills, so I'm going to work on a resume that is tailored to the job description. I would be SO happy to get this job, regardless of the pay.

On a somber note, my boss is being let go too. It's not a surprise, but none of us expected it to happen so soon. She's the breadwinner in her family as I don't think her husband makes a lot, plus her mother and nephew live with her. I think she'll find a job more easily than me, as she is younger, more personable and has a more impressive title. She probably also has a college degree. Still, it sucks that she is also in this position. She has sacrificed so much over the years and this is her reward. Year after year she would lose weeks of vacation because she had so much work piled on her and couldn't take any time off. I am sure she is regretting that now. I think it's only a matter of time before all of the work in our department is outsourced and many more people will be let go.